HOMESTEADING AND DEPRESSION

She lives alone.
She is not old and not young.
She deals with chronic pain from an auto - immune disorder.
She loves her children and grand children.
When she walks out on the porch she can see her pond...ducks floating.
Her new red barn is before her.
She sees here hard working egg laying hens all looking at her for food.
Sitting in front of her are two large livestock guardian dogs. They are smiling.
To her left are 2 cats watching to see her next move.
She steps from a home with a roof that does not leak.
She has running water and electricity.
However her propane is not working due to a deteriorated line.
Her propane oven is broken.
Here electric dryer is broken.
Her heater is non functioning.
Her guest bathroom tub has a leak under the house.
She must unload over 200lbs of animal feed every two weeks by herself.
When she looks over her fields she sees both animal feed as well as grasses that invade every garden attempt.
She sees chickens that have escaped their pen and are working at destroying her fall/winter garden.
In her mind she reviews the amount of repairs that must take place to live in a fully repaired comfortable home:
Propane line: $1500
Oven: $600
Dishwasher: $40 to fix the top rack
House leveling: $2500
Dryer: $600
Interior paint $5000
Exterior rot repairs $2000
Exterior paint $2000
Leaking irrigation system: Who knows how much that will cost. 
Here she stops because she could go on and on
Monthly costs: fire ant killer $100 just to keep from being over run

She glances at her wonderful Tundra. She loves that truck. It needs work too:
Tires: $1000
Struts and shocks $1000
Battery: $200
Tail Gate Latch: $350
And it had over 240k miles.

Then she tries to think of her accomplishments:
Pasture raised chicken for herself and her daughter/grand kids: $2300 per year
A full time job she loves.

Tears burn at the corners of her eyes as she thinks of her children and grand children who she knows love her...but who are not at all interested in having or helping with this farm.
She glanced down at her feet. When was the last time her daughter even came over to visit? Her son?...years

She has been alone/unmarried for almost 19 years. Her ex of course immediately moved on and got married the year after their divorce.
She had to fight for everything after that.
Fighting up from poverty.
Fighting for her own home.
Sacrificing for down payment money for this farm.
If only she had someone...a soul mate with which to share this journey. But she doesn't.
If only she had just another set of hands to help with projects. But she doesn't.

This year she decided to sell...so that she could save money for retirement. However what she found was that rent now was way more than her current house payment. So she was stuck.

Instead of going outside with the weight of the world on her..she goes back inside and goes to her bed where she watches youtube and movies. Just to keep from thinking about anything.

But her mind is always hopeful. So if she is stuck here how will she live?

Well she must tackle repairs. So somehow she must prioritize them and they all cry out that each is the most important.

She has debt.....medical debt and credit card debt. Also house and barn debt. They must be paid off. she knows how to do that if only she had some way to make extra money. But even if she did, would she stop spending too much? That was doubtful.

No one held her accountable. No one helped her. Although she was loved no one cared about her.

She has two girl friends. One in Seattle, one in Phoenix. Neither close but she knows if she needs to vent they are both there to lend an ear. Just not a hand.

This last year she planted 2 apple trees, 2 almond trees, 2 Kiowa blackberry bushes, 4 mulberry trees. And all are still alive. A miracle.

So many wants. Why did she want this farm? She lost her farm in the divorce. All she wanted was a farm...why? Because her fondest memories were of her grandmothers farm. She wanted to give those memories to her 4 grand children. And she felt she has done that. They will always hold in their hearts the fun they had here.

This year she found in her fathers belongings after his death, her grandmothers journal. She was shocked to read the fear and worry in there. Always worried about money, eggs sales. And that she was a bad person.

So much time is being lost to her. Because when there is no money to make repairs, to pay off debt, and no strength to do the work that must get done, then just the bare minimum gets done and the rest of the time is spent laying in bed because the rest of the house is too cold to live in.

As she watches homesteading youtube videos she notices that almost all successful homesteads have at least 2 persons doing the work together.

Does this mean that a single woman can't successfully homestead? Maybe.

Some may have no issues with depression. Some are very self disciplined and always pay bills, save money, never over spend, and never just lay in bed under a black cloud instead of working outside. Those single women usually are not single......or don't have youtube videos.

As sad as it seems she has the ability to have a successful homestead but due to chronic illness must hire the hard work done by someone else. To be able to do that she must be debt free-ish and must save cash for each new project.

So there it is. To have a successful homestead as a single woman with a chronic illness, she must hire a handyman. (fear and panic) How would she find someone she could trust? Well she could not afford it right now....not with this debt load. Beans and rice this year baby.

Are you attempting homesteading alone?  Do you deal with chronic illness and depression? I feel your pain. Good luck.